Wellington Gaelic Games

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The Establishment Cup Day - match report by a sulking Brian Dunne

Well it all ended yesterday - more beautiful weather, beautiful football & lots of beautiful women, all ignoring Daithi O'Connor.   The first game was a fiery affair, with MacAree, Kavanagh & Cryan all putting themselves about - trying to intimidate the opposition. Well it has to be said, it worked a treat, with St. Pats folding like a shower of big eejits - apart from the Women & Juniors, who did their best to hold the sinking ship afloat, but to no avail. An easy 7pt. win to the Blues & the dreaded wooden spoon to the underperforming Pats outfit.  

The Final
This was a titanic struggle of a match that experienced more ups and downs than a fiddlers elbow. At half time it was all square, & it would have been a brave man indeed who would have picked a winner. With 10 mins. to go, & still all square, cracks began to appear in the Gaels game plan, as English, Horn (sporting a very nifty mullet) & the 2 girls up front, began to come to the fore. & so it came to pass (its Christmas) that, despite an heroic display from Anderson (out of retirement just for this game), in goal, O'Connor put the nail in the gallant Gaels (thats called alliteration) coffin with a last minute goal that sent the Eire Og supporters into raptures. The final whistle sounded & ended a tournament thats put GAA to the forefront of the Wellington sporting scene, & make no mistake.  

After match
The presentation ceremony was held at that fountain of Irish culture, the Big Kumara - a vegetable very popular in Ireland, particularly around the Tyrone area. Some players, & supporters, of the Gaels outfit decided, instead, to head to the most popular Irish bar in town - Molly Malones (it just seemed to make sense, but what would that shower of losers know?).  

Congrats
To Daithi O'Connor & the members of Eire Og, very deserving winners of the first Establishment cup ever played.   To Declan McGeeney & David Rynne, for the amount of selfless work they did to field competitive teams - making this tournament a great success.   To Neil Gildea & Cathy on their recent nuptials.  

All the best 
To Donal & Mary Ann on their upcoming nuptials ( there's still time Mary Ann )   To Neasa & Ger - for the birth of their child. If it's a girl, it'd be great if she looked like the beautiful Neasa. If it's a boy, it'd be great if he looked like Jason Sherlock.   To Ann & Austin, we all missed you on Sunday & we look forward to seeing more of you in the new year.     & thats all there is to it. Thats it from me, so have a very happy & holy Christmas & everything you wish for in 08.   I'll now pass over to Daithi or Donal to fill you in on all the other individual awards ( Good lads ). Did the Ref see it????? not at all - the only one that didn't. Even Finnegan & Byrne & Kavanagh/Todd & Hogan saw it, & they haven't a clue. The final whistle sounded & the Munster/Ulster lads all ran straight off down the road & bought themselves a Lotto ticket. O'Reilly lifted the cup & it was put to bed for another year & a few pints were had by all.

 

Molly Malones Cup (the build up) - Reporter  on the ground Brian Dunne  

This promises to be the biggest thing to happen in Wellington Gaelic football, since the Establishment cup final. The following is a detailed, & honest, break-down of the match & the respective teams.  

TEAM MENTORS  
The Munster/Ulster team will be mentored by mr. Austin O'Carroll. Over the past 22years Austin has traded under the guise of, not only being a proud Dublin man, but also growing up in the scenic Dublin suburb of Ballyfermot (cooler still). But the fraud was exposed last August in the Wellington Irish club in the dead of night - as a few of us hardy souls watched the Dublin v Kerry All-Ireland semi-final. He not only let himself down by Jumping around & yahooing at the final whistle of a very fortunate Kerry win, but he also exposed the Kerry colours underneath his pyjamas. The story goes that his middle name is "Stacks" so, I suppose, We should have guessed the origins of this imposter.   The Leinster/Connaught team will be mentored by ms. Anne O'Carroll. Anne's credentials are impeccable. Very closely linked to the fertile & rolling hills of the Ballymun / Finglas area, & she also visited Knock once - on a pilgrimage she carried out in bare feet & carrying a crucifix. Anne is a non-drinker, non-smoker, a daily communicant, & has never gambled in her life. A great cook, with a huge appreciation of Irish culture - particularly Gaelic football. The story goes that she was the best camogie player ever to play the game in the Wellington area - but she's not one to go on about that sort of thing. A great lady & proud leader of this grand bunch of lads.  

TEAM HEROES - ROLE MODELS  
The Leinster/connaught team have a wealth of individuals they can look to for inspiration. Proud Leinster boys - the likes of Bono, Brendan Behan, Father Murphy, Michael Collins, Charley Haughey, Brian Boru, Maud Gonne, The Spanish Lady, John B. Keane, Gerry Adams, Nelson Mandela, Koffi Annan, John Hume, Phil Lynnott. & the story goes that one of the lads from 'Westlife' comes from Sligo - so them boys will have no shortage of inspiration either.   The Munster/Ulster crowd can look to the likes of Ming the merciless (originally from Valencia's Chinatown), Adolf Hitler (Tipp), Benito Mussolini (Cobh), Atilla the Hun (Falcarragh), Idi Amin (Cushendall). It's fairly obvious, from this list of likely lads, what type of game this shower of mongrels are likely to play.  

INDIVIDUAL MATCH-UPS  
The Kavanaghs v The Dubs. Kerry people have a built in genetic hatred of people from the capital, which certainly isn't reciprocated. Kav snr. (the ugly one) not only dropped Lyons & Cronin from the Sydney squad, but kicked Gormley in the first game, & pushed Gogarty off his bmx in heavy Sydney traffic, putting the pair of them out of the rest of the tournament. In contrast, Dublin people respect everyone - a grand bunch of lads    McGeeny v O'Connor It's always been a bone of contention (to the point of heated debate) between these 2 about which one would kick the others arse in a head-to-head struggle. We might find a few answers on Sunday. & as a by the by, if anyone is requiring any medical attention - particularly of the female Scottish variety - O'Connor may be able to help out there (or so rumour has it).   Hanna v Horn  Horn was gutted when Hanna viciously dropped him from the Sydney squad. I still remember him seeing us off at the airport crying his eyes out. & as we got back, still standing in the same place sobbing, like a big eejit. Did Hanna care???? no, not a jot. It's fair to say there's a grudge here & sparks will fly.   O'Reilly v Lyons 2 St. Jude's men going toe to toe. The story goes that O'Reilly reckons he taught Lyons all he knows, whereas Lyons reckons he never listened to a word the "big Cavan eejit" said. Should be a titanic struggle this.   O'Kelly v English It's fair to say that English had the better of their last struggle. But this Sligo man is made of stern stuff, & as determined as they come. He reckons Tipp is a "mad place" full of "ninkanpoops". Promises to be a humdinger this one.  

& TO SUM IT ALL UP  
So there you go, it's all on, there'll be no quarter asked for & no quarter given. The match will also see the return of the imperious Dunner - back from saving the planet in the Amazon rain forest. Could be the last chance this legend will be seen in action before his epic trip to solve the "Irish quetion" (how did they get the figs into the fig rolls???????). So get there early - promises to be a great day.  

Brian O Duinn is ainm dom

Molly Malones Cup - Reporter Brian Dunne (slightly biased)

The wind was blowing a gale as the players assembled in the tunnel. You could hear a pin drop as each player jockeyed for position to be first on the pitch, first to experience the white-hot atmosphere & first to get away from the terrible smell of stale beer & fags steaming off the Connaught boys. The story goes that every one of these western lads had been on the lash for the past 2 days, celebrating -in advance - a famous victory. They reckoned they couldn't lose - having been paired with the champion Leinster team. It has to be said that Connaught isn't a province steeped in success, let's face it they haven't even had anyone in the Eurovision song contest. Annannyway, enough said.   The ball was thrown in by a Carnew (Marian Lake thought Carnew was somewhere in the South of France) man - Eugene Brennan, into a mid-field comprising of O'Regan, O'Reilly, Lyons & the mighty Dunner. The Leinster/Connaught (L/C) team were immediately on attack & maintained a huge possession & territorial advantage for the rest of the half. The M/U (no not Man utd) team only stayed in touch with a couple of very soft goals by O'Connell & Cronin. Burn, Cryan & Mordaunt were doing their best down the other end, but a huge number of wides from their wayward club feet showed why their defenders & not attackers. The umpires, down the canal end, (namely Finnegan & Byrne) seemed to forget where they were from & made some dreadful calls - all in favour of the M/U mob. In contrast, the Railway end umpires were doing a very fine job - with a great understanding of the square-ball rule. Half-time was reached all square, with the L/C team having played into a gale force wind, & the crowd from the North & South looking a bit shell-shocked. Unbelievably, the wind did an about-face for the 2nd half, & the East-West combo knew they were in for torrid half-hour -more from the elements than the opposition. Again the L/C gang dominated, with the father & son combo of McGeeny & Gormley to the fore & Horn hitting his targets, bar one, with monotonous regularity. Kavo & O'Connor were beginning to wear a frown & Mihalovics was roaring abuse. Taggart & Grealish were dancing the tango, having done the fox-trot throughout the 1st half, culminating with a Taggart can-can to finish off. Then it happened - with 30 seconds left & M/U a very fortunate 1pt up, Dunner (who O'Reilly was pushing in the back for the whole of the 2nd half) pulled a ball out of the clouds & went on a searching run, leaving O'Regan, Kavo, O'Connor & a few others in his wake. He then played a beautiful & very unselfish ball into the parallelogram, for O'Sullivan to run onto. The Galway stalwart was held back by Lake, in the most cynical action ever seen -since the lions were released on the poor oul' Christians. The poor chap had the shirt torn from his back, with scratch marks left down the length of his back that'll take some explaining. O'Sullivan sobbed for hours, after the game- with his Jersey in shreds- saying he felt violated.

Brian Dunne Testimonial - Reporter Brian Dunne (slightly biased)

 

It was the last game of the season yesterday, the game that was a tribute to a living legend. The following is a factual account of what took place. For those lucky enough to have witnessed the event - well you were lucky enough, for those who weren't - bear with me, as we meander through the incredible story of how one man can win a game single-handedly. I'd like to call this tale, "THE POWER OF ONE"   It was April 6th in the year of our Lord 2008. About 1 pm, the crowds (mostly women, for obvious reasons) started to stream through the turnstiles. By 1.30 the gates were locked, with still a huge number, unable to gain access, content to wait outside with the hope of getting a glimpse of "the living legend". Kavanagh had signed up anyone who could kick a ball in Wellington, for his "assault on Everest", leaving Dunner with a shower of eejity players - the likes of O'Connor, Cronin, McGeeny, Gormley, Burn, O'Toole, & last & certainly not least the injured O'Reilly. The Kerryman also brought  2 sets of jerseys - one green set & another green set. They say that there's one gobshite born every minute in the World - & I reckon they're all born in Kerry. Did this bother "the living legend" - not a jot. Each one of his team wore their County colours - apart from the Cork twins, who had the thrill of wearing the Dublin colours - because lets face it that Cork jersey is ridiculous looking. O'Connor & Dunner lined up at mid-field, with the rest of the team told to spread out & try not make fools of themselves for once. Kavo sent 2 Cork boys into the middle, O'Regan & Eoin, in the hope that they could even get 10% possession. Boys on a man's errand, boys sent into a blazing inferno, into the teeth of a gale, into the great abyss. Referee for the day was that proud Wexford man, Mr. Paul Mordaunt. He loves Lacrosse, he even arrrived with his lacrosse stick & plus 4's - it looked as if he was looking to catch a few butterflies. Anyhoo in the ball he through & the "living Dublin legend" started as he went for the rest of the afternoon, reaching up - well above the 3 Cork boys - & pulled the O'Neills leather out of the clouds. Kavanagh was quick to realise that he'd have to send in reinforcements to the middle - introducing himself, Taggart, English, Owens, Mihalovics & Uncle Tom cobbly & all - but to no avail, & one by one they made a hasty retreat. O'Connor was having a 'mare - suffering under the huge pressure of wearing the jersey of a superb Dublin team, Cronin & Burn need serious foot-straightening operations, & Gormley was being severely outshone by his 2 fine sons - Shea & Declan. Half-time was reached with Dunner's team 8 pts. in arrears. Did he panic??? not at all. Cool as a cucumber, he made a couple of subtle changes, looked his team in the eye, rolled up his sleeves & said "Did youz ever tink of playing a differint game altogedder yiz muppets". It was soon obvious that Rynne, in goal for the Dunner team in the 2nd half, had been bought (rumour has it for 4 bits of turf - Clare boys like "da bih a heah"). So there was only one thing for it - deny the Kavo Kappers all possession. Well it worked a treat, as the "living legend" himself, scoring 2 superb goals - brought the Dunner team all square. As the game entered it's last breath, "the legend" pulled another ball out of the skies (narrowly avoiding a plane coming in to land) & went on a weaving run - mercilessly cutting through the opposition, like a knife through butter. There was still some 60metres between himself & the opposition goal, when he pulled the trigger - women screamed & fainted, men gasped & looked in awe, the ball sailed between the sticks, the white flag was raised, Dunner's 100% record of never being beaten on Wellington soil was maintained, & "the Living Legend" got down on one knee & had a quiet word with his equal.